Finding happiness

At some points, I notice specific complaints or comments around the same time, one of those is ‘you make me feel.’ I always wonder about that, can someone really make you feel anything? How did/ does your perception affect your response to another person’s actions? How can someone’s actions make you feel a particular way?

I guess there is some truth to that.

Recently I helped someone (S) out, I got S a job, gave S money and even baby sat S’s kids. After a few months they told me to not contact them ever again, do not email them, do not call them, do not write them. I felt rejected, unappreciated and unwanted. I think I felt used as well. When S was asking for favours, I never once said No. The thing is I felt so hurt and angry. I blamed my feelings on S. After a while I started to examine how I felt and question why the emotion was lasting so long.

I decided to question myself.  Why do I need S in my life? Do I still need to be needed? Do I need external appreciation and validation to feel secure? What did I want from S – a thank you, eternal bowing at my feet? Would it give me a sense of superiority if S were to acknowledge my efforts. It made me realise that part of me still wanted some sort of confirmation that I was indeed good enough.  Through the intense internal interrogation and being honest with myself. I recognised that I did the things for S out of love, but that was not the only reason.  I wanted to be appreciated, needed and validated. A classic ‘Me’ move.

Admitting my flaws resulted in feelings of shame and feelings of triumph. I could finally address the real source of the emotion and move on.

Because I left the responsibility of my happiness in someone else’s hands, I was constantly being taken advantage of.  After addressing the root of the problem, I gained a whole new sense of satisfaction. Ultimately I want S to be happy and the primary reason for ‘helping’ was – to actually render aid, to help. Then if S is happy, I ought to have zero qualms. S can’t make me feel any which way. My emotions are my responsibility.

I love being responsible for my own emotions, it means no one can Make me happy or Make me sad, it means I hold so much power over me.

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